Modern Dating Tips: A Date is NOT You Coming Over Making Butt-Prints on My Sofa!
Published by Deborrah Cooper in Psychology, 3 months 1 week 6 days 13 hours 11 minutes 26 seconds ago
You meet a new man at a social or business event. After a great initial conversation, you two exchange numbers with the hopes of getting to know each other better. Why is it that some men will press almost immediately for an invitation to a woman's home? No date has taken place yet! You haven't even talked to him long enough to know if you WANT the fool under your roof and around your child. You have not extended an invitation to visit; he insists on inviting himself!
From the Female Perspective
Karen is a real go-getter. Just 25 years old, she has been on her own since leaving for college at 17. Karen has a Masters degree in Public Health and owns an expensive 3 bedroom home in the upscale suburb of San Ramon, California. "I live alone in my own home. I've run into a lot of men that as soon as they find out my living arrangement, want to come over and just squat in my house. I think that that kind of behavior is very cheesy and I can't stand it! I guess some men believe women are desperate and will accept that kind of nonsense just to have a man around. I will not tolerate it all! If I meet a guy and we are on the phone for more that 15 minutes and he has not mentioned taking me out to get to know me, he is history."
Raised by a single father after her Mom died, Angie was taught that there are certain things a man does when he is showing respect and truly interested in a woman. In her book, pressing to come over does not qualify.
"It's the sign of a cheap, cheap man! Worse, how about when they invite you over to their place and they have no snacks, no beverages and no entertainment? Well, then you know that YOU are meant to be the snacks and entertainment, right?" "What I hate most is being called 'high maintenance' when I won't comply! I'd rather be high maintenance than NO maintenance!!" she laughed.
Single Moms Just Say NO!
Deidre has been single and living alone with her daughter since divorcing 5 years ago. She reports having quite a bit of experience with the "can I come over?" question.
"I've had some difficulty understanding this phenomenon. At first I used to think it was just a part of the 'how quickly I can get some action from her' game, but even after I'd made it CLEAR that was NOT going to happen, they STILL want to come over. I'm a single mom, and I do not allow men to come over for quite some time (if at all). I tell them that I am a single parent and that I don't expose my daughter to people that I didn't know well... and if they had a problem with my being protective of my space and my daughter, then we had no reason to continue talking... end of story!" The Male Perspective
Now a happily married man who willingly "retired my player card," Ronald reflected back to his single days. "There are a lot of women out there that have no respect for themselves. I'd put a little bait out there to see if she'd bite. My goal was to test a woman on this issue, when I actually had no intention of going over to her place. This was just my way of gauging her self-worth and self-esteem. If she told me "no" she earned a certain level of respect in my eyes. I admit that my test is probably in the minority, but there are many men out there like me looking for a woman of quality, a woman with class."
Bryan was nodding his head in agreement and chimed in with his comments.
"I don't completely blame men for getting right to the point, and women need to understand this. Why must men play this game if they are just interested in sex? Believe it or not, there are men out there that believe some women are not worth taking out. If you don't have good conversation, etc., why would a guy want to waste his time or money? It's about how you present yourself to men. And sadly, some women present themselves as having nothing to offer but sex." Ouch!
The Importance of Boundaries and Standards
The bottom line for young women is this: Though some men may expect to come over to your home, you have the ultimate decision-making power. Establish standards for the men in your life and do not allow them such familiarity in the early "getting to know you" phase. You two should be going out on dates. The dates should not be prohibitively expensive dates if he is generous enough to offer to pay. Going Dutch is another option to consider, one which levels the playing field and reduces expectations on both sides.
Dating means spending time doing fun activities together, companionable excursions that allow you and your date to interact and get to know each other. If a guy insists on coming over to your house in lieu of dating, you can bet he is not interested in anything more than an easy hit and run conquest. These types of guys will want to come over because they feel if they can get you in the "I ain't got to take her anyplace to get some lovin'" mode, it's all gravy! They're also either really, really cheap, and/or involved with some other female and cannot risk getting caught in public hanging out with you! Neither of those options should be acceptable to you.
The ante goes up if you are a single Mom. Know that if you meet a man and he invites himself to your home, you can be assured that this gentleman is not the least bit seriously interested in a relationship with you.
A man that is respectful of you and your children would be hesitant to meet the kids so early on for fear that the kids may send him packing with their disapproval. Sincere men also worry that a young child might become attached and suffer emotionally should you two decide that you aren't a good match. Good guys don't want to feel that they are responsible for breaking a small child's heart.
Being invited to your home is not a right. An invitation to spend time with you under the roof of your castle should always be viewed as a singular honor and privilege bestowed to a worthy few. Remember that.
From the Female Perspective
Karen is a real go-getter. Just 25 years old, she has been on her own since leaving for college at 17. Karen has a Masters degree in Public Health and owns an expensive 3 bedroom home in the upscale suburb of San Ramon, California. "I live alone in my own home. I've run into a lot of men that as soon as they find out my living arrangement, want to come over and just squat in my house. I think that that kind of behavior is very cheesy and I can't stand it! I guess some men believe women are desperate and will accept that kind of nonsense just to have a man around. I will not tolerate it all! If I meet a guy and we are on the phone for more that 15 minutes and he has not mentioned taking me out to get to know me, he is history."
Raised by a single father after her Mom died, Angie was taught that there are certain things a man does when he is showing respect and truly interested in a woman. In her book, pressing to come over does not qualify.
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"It's the sign of a cheap, cheap man! Worse, how about when they invite you over to their place and they have no snacks, no beverages and no entertainment? Well, then you know that YOU are meant to be the snacks and entertainment, right?" "What I hate most is being called 'high maintenance' when I won't comply! I'd rather be high maintenance than NO maintenance!!" she laughed.
Single Moms Just Say NO!
Deidre has been single and living alone with her daughter since divorcing 5 years ago. She reports having quite a bit of experience with the "can I come over?" question.
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"I've had some difficulty understanding this phenomenon. At first I used to think it was just a part of the 'how quickly I can get some action from her' game, but even after I'd made it CLEAR that was NOT going to happen, they STILL want to come over. I'm a single mom, and I do not allow men to come over for quite some time (if at all). I tell them that I am a single parent and that I don't expose my daughter to people that I didn't know well... and if they had a problem with my being protective of my space and my daughter, then we had no reason to continue talking... end of story!" The Male Perspective
Now a happily married man who willingly "retired my player card," Ronald reflected back to his single days. "There are a lot of women out there that have no respect for themselves. I'd put a little bait out there to see if she'd bite. My goal was to test a woman on this issue, when I actually had no intention of going over to her place. This was just my way of gauging her self-worth and self-esteem. If she told me "no" she earned a certain level of respect in my eyes. I admit that my test is probably in the minority, but there are many men out there like me looking for a woman of quality, a woman with class."
Bryan was nodding his head in agreement and chimed in with his comments.
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"I don't completely blame men for getting right to the point, and women need to understand this. Why must men play this game if they are just interested in sex? Believe it or not, there are men out there that believe some women are not worth taking out. If you don't have good conversation, etc., why would a guy want to waste his time or money? It's about how you present yourself to men. And sadly, some women present themselves as having nothing to offer but sex." Ouch!
The Importance of Boundaries and Standards
The bottom line for young women is this: Though some men may expect to come over to your home, you have the ultimate decision-making power. Establish standards for the men in your life and do not allow them such familiarity in the early "getting to know you" phase. You two should be going out on dates. The dates should not be prohibitively expensive dates if he is generous enough to offer to pay. Going Dutch is another option to consider, one which levels the playing field and reduces expectations on both sides.
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Dating means spending time doing fun activities together, companionable excursions that allow you and your date to interact and get to know each other. If a guy insists on coming over to your house in lieu of dating, you can bet he is not interested in anything more than an easy hit and run conquest. These types of guys will want to come over because they feel if they can get you in the "I ain't got to take her anyplace to get some lovin'" mode, it's all gravy! They're also either really, really cheap, and/or involved with some other female and cannot risk getting caught in public hanging out with you! Neither of those options should be acceptable to you.
The ante goes up if you are a single Mom. Know that if you meet a man and he invites himself to your home, you can be assured that this gentleman is not the least bit seriously interested in a relationship with you.
A man that is respectful of you and your children would be hesitant to meet the kids so early on for fear that the kids may send him packing with their disapproval. Sincere men also worry that a young child might become attached and suffer emotionally should you two decide that you aren't a good match. Good guys don't want to feel that they are responsible for breaking a small child's heart.
Being invited to your home is not a right. An invitation to spend time with you under the roof of your castle should always be viewed as a singular honor and privilege bestowed to a worthy few. Remember that.
About Deborrah Cooper
(c) 2008 Deborrah Cooper. Deborrah has authored dozens of relationship articles and advice columns on Ask HeartBeat!, which focuses on modern relationships for teens and adults. Her dating guide Sucka Free Love! provides street-smart, hilarious insight into the toughest issues facing singles today. Check out The Sucka Free Dating Radio Talk Show on Wednesday night at 7:00 pm PST.
Resources
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